emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
Hi,
I was wondering if I could have your advice please.
I got engaged to OH in October 2009 and asked my best friend to be my MOH. She said yes but didn't show that much enthusiasm but think she was pleased. Anyway at Christmas of the same year, she found out her mum had lung cancer, and the following March, lost her so I knew she was out of bounds for wedding stuff and only asked her to be involved the following Feb (10) to come to a wedding fayre. She wasn't very interested but I tried to be understanding as she was coming up the first anniversary of her mum.
She hasn't really asked about the wedding or plans or anything since then and in the meantime. Skip forward to just before Christmas (11) and I asked her if she would come help do the wedding invitations on a specific day and she said no because it was her last chance to do her Christmas shopping. I said OK and tried to be understanding. Still nothing asking about plans or anything. Then I sent a text to all my Bm's saying I wanted to set up an outing to go into town and get dress fabric. She said she should be OK to do that as it was her friend's birthday and she would probably be doing something at the night. OK fine. We had a conversation a couple of weeks later about my hen do where she started slagging my other friend/bm off saying her suggestion of a hen do idea would leave her bored and that she wouldn't wear anything in her hair and that noone was going to be messing with her hair. Then at the bm's day, she said she wouldn't make a speech (I can't say I'm too bothered about this so just said fine). I mentioned about going to the hairdressers with me for a hair trial she said ill go but i don't really think that's my job.
Recently, I've really needed a friend to vent ideas at and talk things through but she's been really distant. I later found out, her uncle is quite ill in hospital (so is my nana but she hasn't asked how she's doing) and she hadn't told me so I told her to leave talking about the hen do for a bit but explained that noone had got any money (me espec as I have no job) and she has told me on more than one occasion that with the wedding and everything she can't afford stuff.
I text her the other day to say I had my hair trial (my other bridesmaid said ooo cool let me know how it goes) but she didn't even reply.
Now today, she text me about a quote I put on FB about people making the effort (I just liked the quote) and put in the comments very true at the moment. The wedding is really making us realise who wants to be in our lives and who doesn't and she assumed it was about her!! Then she texts me saying what's the big hurry re the hen do (it's being moved to April and we haven't sorted anything yet) and that I was clearly annoyed and what she had planned for my hen do wasn't good enough (oh she said she wasn't wearing sashes aswell when I said I'd like to do all that just for fun) I then had her sis in law have a humungous go at me about fb and my friend is now giving me the silent treatment.
What do I do? I've offered for her to come to mine, she is too busy as she wants to see her uncle. She knows I can't get to her as I have no car and she kept asking why I was annoyed but doesn't like the answer!!!
I'm really upset that we've fallen out again about it but I'm the one who looks like the b*tch!
What should I do - please help. I don't want to lose her but we've drifted apart since I got engaged and then she lost her mum.
Thanks a million
Em
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boycee
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 9 February 2011
Added 1312 forum messages, 13 albums and 5 articles.
- Do not know when the wedding will be
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gina130284
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011
Added 553 forum messages.
Liverpool, Merseyside.
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gina130284
@emj85 You could definitely do with a face to face conversation like @boycee says.
You're definitely not alone in this and there are plenty of other with BM issues.
Although you just liked the quote and didnt aim it at anyone in particular she obviously feels like she's not making the effort if she took that personally!! You're obviously being an understanding friend with everything she has been through with her mum and now her uncle. However I myself have lost my mum and rather than distancing myself from my friends I let them help me through the most difficult time ever. About 8 months later I was asked to be MOH and I threw myself into the honour as it gave me a focus. It was hard doing everything with her and her mum but at the same time I'd been asked to play a role in her most important day and I wasn't about to let her down. I was there for dress fittings, hair trials, choosing BM dresses, going to wedding fayres and seeing her venue, etc. I think if someone accepts the role of a MOH they must be fully aware of what the role involves. It might be wortth while buying a little book on what the role of a MOH is and giving it to her!!
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@boycee and @gina130284
Hi and thank you for your replies, she text me last night asking why I was annoyed and I told her and she hasn't reacted well at all. She is now saying I should just ask my other friend but I don't want her. My OH has tried to talk to her and she has said seeing her uncle in ICU is more important than planning my hen do so I will have to wait. I get that but when I text her about my hair trial I got nothing back. She has now told me what she planned for my hen do and said I've completely ruined it because I went and organised a second one (I emailed a few girls to suss out numbers and suggested a couple of things) from what we had discussed she was organising a night out on the town where my niece wouldn't be involved. In the end I said my idea had been scraped and we were just going to have a girls night in - fine she said then has a go at me because I've ruined it all. She said no 1 day is worth losing a best friend over.
I'm so upset. I'm stressed with this, I've got no car, no money, no job, MY nana is ill in hospital but she doesn't realize that either. I invited her over to talk and she won't because of her uncle but I'm inpatient and don't like to sit on things. Then her sis in law had a go at me because of that issue on fb which L obviously took to heart like you said but that isn't my fault!
Sorry for the rant am just so upset 
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gina130284
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011
Added 553 forum messages.
Liverpool, Merseyside.
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gina130284
Thats understandable. The important thing id that you've managed to tell her why you are upset with her. You've both had your say now, and I think as her uncle is ill you only have 2 choices:
1) sit back and wait patiently until she is ready to be more involved
2) choose a different MOH
If it were me I'd probably just plan everything myself because I too am very organised and quite impatient. As you've already started looking at hen do ideas and she's basically seen her arse over it, Im not sure where to go with this part!! If you want her to be involved then you can always keep her updated on things until she's ready to be part of your day xx
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@gina130284 I've been crying all day and obsessing about it all.
She's been talking to me tonight and I'm fighting SO hard for her to still do it as I don't want anyone else to be involved or to have that role. I don't know if she's now just saying she won't coz of what I said or because she didn't want to do it in the first place. She said it's not her thing but it doesn't mean she won't do it for me but now she won't. I've pretty much begged her to reconsider and told her I don't want to wake up on the morning without my best friend there to be involved. What would you do if it was you being the MOH and the bride asked you to reconsider? x
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gina130284
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011
Added 553 forum messages.
Liverpool, Merseyside.
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gina130284
@emj85 By the sounds of it she hasn't been involved at all and she's said its not really her thing- I'd take her word for it. Would she still be a BM if not the MOH?
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@gina130284 she said no to that because it would be the same thing. Thing that annoys me is my mum has already bought the dress fabric (she is the largest so it took a metre and bit of fabric for her dress plus balero top), we agreed she could have a different dress to the others and because she's the larger size, my mum had to get a sep pattern. I've practically begged her to re consider and she just says it's too much. People have asked if there's any chance she would come round but when I said I want you to do it she just keeps saying I can't take it it's too much so I don't know what to do. My mum is my only hope but she's going to blame me because i went on fb and L got upset x
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gina130284
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011
Added 553 forum messages.
Liverpool, Merseyside.
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gina130284
@emj85 Im not being rude hun, but do not beg anyone to be a BM or MOH. Being asked should be an honour and if she doesnt feel that way then in my opinion she shouldnt be your MOH!! As hard as it is I would just do as she asks and not include her in your bridal party. Send her an invite and then just hope to god that she accepts and attends as a guest. So many girls on here have had trouble with their BM's and some have fallen out over it.
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@gina130284 Yeah you're right - I'm more annoyed now as I've made myself look pathetic keep asking her to do it and apologizing for the way I feel. She said she's disappointed I feel that way about her but she doesn't want to lose a best friend so is stepping to one side as it's too much. When I said do you wanna help me do my hen do she said there's no way that that's happening now, you took over so that's over to you now.
I've got to the point where I'm thinking 'f**k it - my wedding is only 3 and a bit months away and I'm stressing enough without extra stress from her!!!
She refused to have her hair done by anyone, refused to wear anything in her hair, grumbled over being in photos and refused to dance or make a speech so it can't have meant that much to her. She said she will come as a guest and enjoy it that way which makes me think she just wanted to do that in the first place
x
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gina130284
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011
Added 553 forum messages.
Liverpool, Merseyside.
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gina130284
@emj85 She didn't deserve the title chick!! Divide the MOH duties between the others. They can all help you with the Hen Do, one can hold your bouquet and another can sign the register for you. As you say weddings are stressful enough without people like her xxx
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jen150912
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 22 May 2010
Added 972 forum messages.
Renfrewshire.
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jen150912
@emj85 I'm relieved to read that she's decided to step aside and stop stressing you out! No-one needs attitude like that from anyone in their planning stages, never mind from their MOH... xx
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@gina130284 @jen150912 Thank you both - you are both so right and I think I will divide the duties are they are all far more deserving. Thank you for listening, sorry to keep going on about the wedding I know it's annoying xx
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jen150912
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 22 May 2010
Added 972 forum messages.
Renfrewshire.
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jen150912
@emj85 It's what we're here for, this great little community is all ears for whatever woes appear! Glad it's sorted out now hun xx
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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mrsmorrisontobe
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 March 2011
Added 115 forum messages and 4 albums.
30, Northumberland.
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mrsmorrisontobe
@emj85 I agree with the others. Do you really need a moh? Sounds like your happy to sort stuff yourself.
I wonder though if your friend is self conscious about her weight and does not enjoy all of this girly side of weddings?
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emj85
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 6 February 2012
Added 65 forum messages.
Northern Moor, Greater Manchester.
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emj85
@mrsmorrisontobe Hiya things have changed and I'm so confused. I did want a maid of honour yeah because she's been my best friend for 15 years and wanted her to have the special role. However I am happy to sort the hen do and I spoke to her yesterday and begged her to reconsider and I'd back off to which she replied No so then I started thinking about my hen do and sent an email round and she had a go at me saying you said you'd back off. Have you never heard of letting the dust settle so now I don't know what the heck is happening.
I think she is conscious of her weight but I have accommodated that by letting her choose a completely diff dress to the others and got a long sleeved balero top for her. I've just got to accept she isn't a girly girl I know but I'm being hung on now and im like grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr all over again. Then again I want her to do it so will do what it takes and if that means waiting and backing off and not being in control then that's fine.
x
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