Family not interested in my wedding

28 Dec 2011 • • Like

tinks1985	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 5 July 2011 Added 516 forum messages. Birmingham, West Midlands.

Hi ladies,

I've tried talking to h2b about this stuff but he doesn't seem to get it so i thought i'd try venting to you lovely ladies and see if you have any useful advice or suggestions.

Basically, i've been having a bit of a rough time recently with life in general and things going wrong. For other people this isn't such a big deal but i suffer with severe clinical depression which i was on medication for and now i'm not. So things get to me a little more than they would normally anyway.

My family have no interest in my wedding at all, my mom was being pushy and overbearing and now she's not even bothered. My sisters who are supposed to be bridesmaids couldn't care less and my best mate seems to have fallen into oblivion as i haven't spoken to her in months. even h2b never seems to get excited or be interested at things for the wedding which does drive me a little bit around the bend sometimes.

My family have also recently taken to winding me up saying that my sister and her boyfriend will probably be getting engaged soon and if they do they'll probably get married before i do. They then also pointed out that if they do, they have much more money than me and Dave do, and they'd probably have a much bigger and better wedding than i will. Not the sort of thing that you really need to hear!

This has gotten to the point where i'm actually having nightmares that they'll 'give' my wedding to my sister or that my mom will make me let my sister have all my wedding stuff before i get to have it for my wedding. More to the point i know that if she does decide to get married before i do and decides she wants my stuff i will be made to give it to her.

Now i have just been told that my sister is having another baby, she's due in August. This means i now have to find space for someone else in the wedding party that i probably can't afford but will have to do it anyway.

This probably wouldn't have been a big deal to most people, but i really want a family. The thing is that 4 years ago in January, i had a miscarriage and when the doctors did some investigating they said that there were some complications from the miscarriage (what they were i can't quite remember) but he did say i may have trouble bearing children in the future. At the time i was upset, but it was before i had met Dave and i didn't think i'd ever meet anyone and start a family. Recently i have been having a few problems with my periods being much heavier than normal and bleeding in between my periods. I have spoken to h2b about this too and he just keeps telling me i'm stressing over nothing and that we'll get everything checked out when we are ready to start trying for a family.

It's really getting to me now though and all i'm hearing about is babies etc and i resent those of my friends and my sister who are expecting/have children.

I have tried talking to h2b but he just tells me i'm being silly. I feel really selfish but i know i can't help it.

Any advice/suggestions or even words of comfort would be appreciated.

28 Dec 2011 at 17:38 • Reply • Like

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kookiebek	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 31 July 2010 Added 433 forum messages and 7 albums. Worcestershire.

Hunny please stop panicking!! My parents and family were not really interested until a few months before the wedding and in the last few weeks before it they were fantastic and really helped me out. I am sure that your family will do the same for you. For them its an exciting event which is around the corner, for you it is the most important day of your life and it will be fantastic!!

Weddings dont need to cost the Earth and ours didn't, however people really enjoyed the day and so many have remarked on it being fantastic because it was very personal to us and thats what counts so please don't stress that your sister's will be better because it wont be it will just be different (that is ofcourse if she has one as she is not even engaged yet.).

Try seeing having another baby there as an exciting thing my lovely and they will be a bit young to be in the wedding party at that age so just ask for them to dress her in something nice.

My husband and I are trying for a baby at the moment and it is heartbreaking each monthwhen aunt flo pays a visit, however weare not giving up hope and neither should you!! It doesn't mean you wont conceiveand there are so many miracle stories where against all odds they do. Worrying is pointless energy wasted because you just dont know and until you do know differntly think positive.

My advice is perhaps take a small break from the planning over the new year and do some cheap or free things with H2B to just be yourselves, it sounds like you are getting incredibly stressed at the mo (which could be causing you problems with your periods and also your nightmares) and this might help, I know you are very organised with it so youcan afford to have the time off.

You are not selfish, you just have a lot on xx

28 Dec 2011 at 20:35 • Reply • Like

meeeshel (31 years old)	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 22 July 2010 Added 807 forum messages and 3 albums. Hertfordshire. The wedding was on 28 April 2012 Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire

@tinks1985 try not to worry Hun, I think one of the problems with planning a wedding a while in advance is that people think "it's ages away" so don't get as excited as you. People did the same with me, it'll be 2 years we were engaged when we got married and I thought people were just not interested. But, having just given out the invites people are suddenly really interested and starting to tell me about outfits etc and that they're excited. As with best friend, I ave the same with mine she's been useless recently, I hope she'll pick up nearer the time.

Try not to stress I'm sure everyone will suddenly be excited nearer the time!! xx

28 Dec 2011 at 21:45 • Wedding was in April 2012 • Reply • Like

gina130284	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011 Added 553 forum messages. Liverpool, Merseyside.

@tinks1985
You poor thing - My H2B suffers with anxiety and depression so I have some understanding of how it can affect you. I also work with people who suffer with other mental health issues including stress.
My first advice would be to go see your GP and go through some options, such as medication, counselling or even exercise referral. I think this is more of a long term solution for the depression. S/he may also be able to refer you to a specialist for your periods etc.
Short term, I do agree with @meeeshel in that with planning so far in advance people dont tend to get encited or commit to helping out etc. We've been very lucky with our families in that we're both the first of our siblings to get married, and none of us have babies yet so everyone is excited and keen to help out with everything.
I dont mean to sound rude but your Mum is a bit out of order to say your sisters wedding will be bigger and better than yours when they're not even engaged yet... does your sister know she is saying these things?? It would be interesting to know what she thinks about all of this!

Do you keep a diary about your thoughts, feeling and dreams? If not it might be worth while keeping a diary - even if its just a way of getting your thoughts down on paper so you're not bottling them all up.

xxx

28 Dec 2011 at 22:13 • Reply • Like

tinks1985	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 5 July 2011 Added 516 forum messages. Birmingham, West Midlands.

thanks so much @kookiebek @meeeshel and @gina130284 for your replies so far.

I think taking a small break from the planning in the new year might be a good idea to help me re-focus and clear my head without stressing about the wedding.

I do think the fact that the wedding is so far away yet isn't helping as everyone thinks it's too far away to be doing anything really and i still often get the "you've got ages yet, why are you booking things?" which always annoys me still. To be honest my h2b's family are more excited about our wedding than mine are and his brother and sister have both been married before and are now divorced so if anything i'd have thought his family would have been the subdued ones. I'm the first one out of all my siblings (i am 1 of 6) to get married and i thought they'd at least be a bit happy and excited for me. When we first got engaged not a single one asked to see the ring or congratulated us. My older sister (the pregnant one) is even less happy about it as she feels everything should be about her and because they're not engaged she's been a real cow about a lot of things to do with the wedding. So even if she did know what they've been saying to me (which i don't think she does) she'd probably be loving it to be honest.

I have been back and forth to my GP about my depression and i was on medication for it until earlier this year, it really just stopped having an effect on me and i was taken off it. I've tried counselling before too and that wasn't very helpful either. I feel like i need to do something but i don't have the energy or motivation to get out there and do it. I have literally spent the last 3 days in my pjs cause i couldn't face getting dressed or going out. I've put on so much weight as well that i'm dreading going back to try on my wedding dress again because i severely doubt it's going to fit which would just make things worse.

I used to keep a diary after my miscarriage and i found that it did help me a lot as i could write things that would never even dream of saying to people. However, my sisters are always going through my stuff and a couple of times nearly found it so i stopped writing in it, tore all the pages out and shredded them. My family never knew about my pregnancy and i never told them about my miscarriage either. I don't have a lot of privacy in my parents house to be honest and i'm always worried about them finding and reading a diary. I even have to hide my depression self help books and i had to hide my anti-depressants!

I know i sound like a complete stress head, but marrying dave and starting a family are the most important 2 things in my life and i really don't want anything to get in the way of either of those things happening. I love Dave more than anything and he has helped me so much with my struggles, but i really wish he understood a little bit more how i feel and didn't just tell me i worry too much

28 Dec 2011 at 23:48 • Reply • Like •

gina130284	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 23 June 2011 Added 553 forum messages. Liverpool, Merseyside.

Ah right - I didnt realise you live at home which of course makes things a bit harder. Do you share a room or would it be possible to have a lock put on your door to help with some privacy? Id still advice seeing your GP to see what other options you have - as you say you've tried the medication and counselling, self help books, diaries etc. S/he may be able to offer something else.

Having a break from wedding planning wont do you any harm - particularly because you're so organised already. I also hate it when people are saying its ages away and you have loads of time, etc. But if things are sorted earlier you can be paying them off which is what we're doing.

xxx

29 Dec 2011 at 10:25 • Reply • Like

tinks1985	Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 5 July 2011 Added 516 forum messages. Birmingham, West Midlands.

@gina130284 i do still live at home and the fact that i don't have my own room is being hotly contested at the minute. My sister has moved out and her room is now being un-used. However, all her furniture is still in there and my mom refuses to move it out so i can move in there. She's more than happy to let my youngest sister sleep in the room because she has no desire to move the furniture out, but because i want the room for myself (which means all my stuff would be moved in there) she won't let me have it. As the oldest of all my siblings now i need the extra privacy and as such should be able to have the room but still i'm not allowed it.

I might go back to my GP anyway and get a few things checked out just to talk things through and see what they suggest. I don't really want to as i hate doctors but i think it needs to be done

29 Dec 2011 at 18:53 • Reply • Like •



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