Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 21 August 2010
Added 161 forum messages.
Seaford, East Sussex.
Wedding will be on 21 December 2012 Seaford, East Sussex
jezibella83
Ladies I need some advice. I've been with my h2b for 9 years now since I was 19, we bought a lovely house together 7 years ago and have a wonderful life. The thing is I want babies eventually (not right now but at some point in the next 5 years or so) and he says he doesn't. He said this about 4 years ago but then changed his mind and said he wouldn't mind having 1 but only 1 no more. Recently though he's changed his mind again saying he doesn't think he wants kids at all.
His reason's for this is that as a police officer out on the streets he does early mornings, lates and night shifts and he works 60 miles away which is a 2 hour commute each way so he is knackered when he comes home and does need his sleep. I work shifts at Gatwick Airport doing early mornings and late nights. Sometimes our shifts coincide, sometimes they don't. The other morning we were both up at 4am for work, the following night I didn't get home til 11pm and he was home at 2am after finishing at midnight. I've always said I want to go back full time after having children to keep my supervisor position which is a full time position, if I go part time I would have to voluntarily take a demotion of 2 grades which is less pay plus only part time hours so I don't want to do that. He says our shifts will interfere with family life.
His other reason is that he's very much in to cycling (he has two bikes, one cost £2200 and the other cost £1150), when he goes out cycling he goes out for 2 or 3 hours and cycles for 60 odd miles. He says he doesn't want anything to come in the way of him and his bike.
I've seen him with my sister's kids and he is so great with them, much better than me in fact. That's what gets me so frustrated because he is so great with them so why won't he have one of his own and embrace change rather than being scared of it.
I keep having doubts as to whether we should be spending so much money on a wedding when in 5 years time I still want a baby and he doesn't. I may be naive but I keep thinking he'll change his mind again as he has done before.
24 Oct 2011 at 23:58
• Wedding will be in December 2012
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Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 9 March 2011
Added 710 forum messages.
Do not know when the wedding will be
nextmrstaylor@jezibella83 maybe he's scared that things will completely change which of course they will, i'd say to him we'll work it out some way with our shifts, you could both talk to your bosses and see if they are able to rearrange them in some way. my hubby to be works nights and i work mostly days though do do nights at the same time and when we eventually have a baby i know that our parents will be more than willing to help out when they can (my dad doesent really work at the mo apart from being a volunteer bus driver for old people on a community transport scheme). its something you will work out. there is always nurseries or childminders, i know both can be expensive but if you shop around you might find a fairly decent one that doesent cost the earth. i think you need to talk to him about how you feel, tell him it is something you really want but think to yourself if he really doesent want a child do you want to loose him because of this. i know that might sounda bit harsh/not quite right but you got to think which is more important xx
Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 14 September 2010
Added 394 forum messages and 2 albums.
Swansea.
The wedding was on 27 August 2011 Swansea, Glamorgan/Morgannwg
quoth_the_raven@jezibella83 I can understand his concerns, but they're all workable. The best man at our wedding, Steff's best friend, is the son of a midwife and a nurse, both jobs that work on shifts. Nonetheless, his parents very successfully managed to find time to raise two children who never felt like they were missing out on having family time with either parent. It is possible. Admittedly, to do it really well it takes a more extended support network of friends and family who can take the kids as needed; but it is possible.
Concerning the bike, I have a friend with a seven-year-old son who lives a very active life - she really likes snorkling, as her main hobby. She tells me it was only four years before her son was old enough to start coming with her. Children don't have to mean that the life you knew is forever over - at worst, it's just on hold for a couple of years until they can start coming with you.
Unless, I suppose, the life you know is one of clubbing, drugs and profligate drunken-ness. Don't take kids to that.
My point, though, is that neither of his objections have to be problems, as long as you both work out an action plan to avoid them. For what it's worth.
28 Oct 2011 at 16:47
• Wedding was in August 2011
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katiedarlin
Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 5 September 2010
Added 729 forum messages, 9 albums and 2 listings.
Ayrshire.
katiedarlin@jezibella83 the shift thing could work out....however as you are the one really wanting a family you might have to be the one that makes some sacrifices career wise....could you change jobs? or move closer to your hubbys work in the future wwhen the child issue becomes more immediate?
you could take him to a bike shop and show him all the child related bike things.....that used to get my X talking about having kids every time.....he now has a child and i believe has a pull along buggy thing to put her in and they go out for the day leaving mummy inside to catch up on other stuff.
my previous partner (not the bike one) never wanted children and in fact that is the main reason i split with her i didnt see the point in continuing with a relationship when we both wanted very different lives in the near future....her next partner was a mum of one and within the year they had another on the way ...they are both fab mums ....my x would never of wanted chidren but the situation arose and her priorities changed
dont want to get your hopes up as this may never happen to your H2B he may of changed his mind in the past because he thought that was what you wanted to hear.
good luck
Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 21 May 2010
Added 119 forum messages and 2 albums.
Newcastle, Staffordshire.
kristinanikita@jezibella83 i dont think you will be the only one facing this sweety, it does not matter what circumstances you are in or what lifestyle you have. kids change your life no matter who you are full stop. may be he's scared i think parenthood is scary even though i have 3..i find each new thing they bring scares me a little, talk of boys, appropriate clothes, attitudes ect. I was a very active person. But when i had my children i worked around them. I still did what i loved to do but i had one afternoon to myself of doing it whilst my h2b minded the baby. It can be done.For now i wouldnt worry too much unless you really think he will never change his mind.But you have been together a long time, i couldnt imagine him facing a split with you because he was worried about having children. but do talk to him, tell him preferably before you get married that you definatly want the chance to have a child, and that you dont want him to take that away from you but you want a family together.Tell him how you feel when you see hi with other children, and yes encourage him that cycling is a pasttime he could do with a son/daughter, he'd be proud to teach a child to ride a bike, and prouder still when that child overtakes him up hill in the wind and rain as for the career thing its definatly worth looking into speaking to your boss's as many jobs now are more family friendly. And public services such as police, fire brigade, also should be able to help with shift work. when i was working in the army i was the only one with chidren and i got to pick first which hols i wanted to take so i could take them when the kids were off school, they also swapped some of my timings with others that didnt have children to allow me to get them to school ect. look into all hunny but speak to him first xx good luck xx
Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 22 July 2010
Added 807 forum messages and 3 albums.
Hertfordshire.
The wedding was on 28 April 2012 Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire
meeeshel@jezibella83 I agree, it's all workable, things are always scary when you think of them but when you do them they're not as bad you think. My brother in law is bike-mad, i think he has a collection of about 6 ranging in price, some up to the same as your H2B, and he sometimes goes out doing oxford to cambridge type rides, they got those pull along things for their kids to go in so they could go with them, now they're old enough they have their own bikes and my niece bless her has also got into the whole bike fad as much as to have her own cycling gloves!! But yet he still does his "serious" cycling too. Everyone loves their sleep but it's a fact of life you have to give it up when you have kids, thats the main thing that scares me about kids! but i think you start to need less with kids so can get out and about cycling and still have time to do it. My brother in law and sister both work, my sis only has a very slight reduction in hours and my brother in law until recently lived in Northampton and went to Reading for work - it's all possible hun, he's probably just got the fear. Sit him down and have a proper chat, I'm sure you'll sort it all out. good luck hun xx
14 Nov 2011 at 22:44
• Wedding was in April 2012
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mrsctobe
Member of finalstitch.co.uk since 19 October 2010
Added 491 forum messages and 2 albums.
Stevenage, Hertfordshire.
mrsctobe@jezibella83 This is a tricky one....in the catholic church (as we had a catholic marriage) you are allowed to divorce on one condition and that is if your partner refuses to have children with you. Now, hopefully it wouldn't come to that, but I do think you at least need to be in the same chapter, if not on the same page when it comes to your feelings about having children. I understand that you've been together for ages and I know much women can want children, so it's a case of compromise and commitment. I read recently on the DM that people have in the past stolen the sperm of their husbands/boyfriends after sex to try and impregnate themselves (which is just gross) or they lie about being on the pill or having an IUD or something. You need to be true to yourself now and if he is saying absolutely no way on the subject of having children, then you really do need to sit down and talk it all through because at the end of the day, the maternal instinct gets us all and it would be worse to deal with this further down the line than dealing with it now, especially if you spend your fertile days with someone who doesn't want children and you are then left unable to have them. Good luck, we are all behind you, but be prepared to fight for what you believe in and what you want and hopefully he will respect you and understand your mindset and give in. Let us know how you get on xx
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